Today

The days get worse, barely a glimpse of day

Sleeplessness, worries cut into my mind

Just human, not bred to be a hero

Or a handsome knight in shining armour

Or a rich executive feeding from

Someone else’s misfortune, i am me

Just I…

Fingers & hands picked & bitten dry skin

Tears that have bled, arms scarred from cuts & burns;

Ageing & overweight from chocolate

& energy drinks on tap when feeling

Low; Demotivated; numb to the world

My well overflows but cannot shed a single

Tear; does this make me a bad person?

I don’t believe I am, but I am lost

Looking for myself, I am lost somewhere

Maybe on a boat, sailing the seas

Maybe in the forest, climbing the tress

Maybe in a parallel universe

Surely that’s just talking insanity

Alarm bells ring but I cannot wake up

Anxiety is suffocating me

Everything feels weak; typing letters

Lead fingers dropping on the board… one by…

one…

I am so gentle but everything

I touch crushes like meringue under me

You sit and beg that you love me, it bleeds

From your eyes, I am emotionless stone

Statue, unmoved, deja vued, nothing new

Why? I can hear you cry but I am lost

Frantically searching for me somewhere

But I’m controlling, callous and don’t care

Yet none of these things I am not aware

As I just sit silently in the chair

Watching your lips move, words float in the air

They leave, they return over & over

Year after year… sharpied in the air we breathe

They fade but don’t erase, the scars always

Show, no matter how hard I scrub the pain

Will just not let go

Excuses Excuses

Are you okay? Yes, I am fine

I Excuse myself quietly to
Find somewhere to Hide

All I do is Lie
Making Excuses
To Excuse myself

For people who do not
Understand Mental Health

Another Excuse
Excuses get Exhausted

Nothing left to say
When all I needed

Was just One More Day

Another Lie
Because Everyday

Is Groundhog Day

No amount of suffering
Takes away the pain

Another Pill
Another Lie

Another Excuse
To try and feel High

I look deep 
Into that mirror 
That is staring at me
I cannot look anymore

The reflection is too 

Ugly

There is no Cure
When Cursed with 
Chronic Depression 

I have no Desire
Just add it to the the Label

A Pathological Liar

I apologise if the layout is poor, this from my mobile. 

I was writing earlier and I realised just how much I have to excuse myself for my actions, white lies, not something I wish to disclose.

You can’t disguise, no you can’t disguise
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies (Christine McVie, 1987)

Trapped inside myself – Poetry (Free Verse) No Rules

Just a few words are for you so easy to say
but they cripple me and destroy my day
All the wrong in the world you can accuse me
by saying it’s you in the wrong, that you abuse me

I try finding a path untarnished and unobstructed
but I’m faced with a labyrinth, every end is dead
every road is winding, me up, messing with my head
Trapped, there is nowhere to go, I give in, self-destructed

I collapse, every vein injected with anxiety
Swelling
no longer able to face society
Suffocating
behind my mask, the only place to hide
Exploding
My heart and my soul have committed suicide Continue reading

The Struggles of Love

Trying desperately hard to achieve, but causing so much pain
Imprisoned by self-obligations, physically and mentally drained
Taunted and teased to the point of despair, no intention to be unfair,
Selfish or awkward, they are my obsessions so clearly I do not care
Just knowing it will not be good enough, whatever you give
Questions the meaning of life when you no longer want to live
You break and you cry, whilst I am just an emotionless wreck

I can see I am hurting you but I cannot feel why only shame
Envying your beautiful tears and wishing I could cry the same
To reassure you, but my bottle is broken, I have not cried for years
Anaesthetised from the world, insecure listening to your fears
Pouring your heart out, bleeding, pleading to become numb like me

If you would only look closer, my heart is solely yours do you not see
My love for you is so much truer than from anyone else, it could be

I am clearly no poet, but I do feel using it as a guide can help add some structure to writing particularly when really struggling to express yourself like I am today. This piece focuses on struggles in a relationship when one suffers from Aspergers and can see pain and emotion but not feel and understand it. However, everybody is unique.

Getting there … Exterminating, Essay Writing and Reading.

So after exterminating all the spammers & hackers from the world of wordpress.org I am finally managing to close my website and export posts/pics etc after several hundred google searches. The simple things in life always seem to be so complicated. But I feel much happier with my dot blog address.

This morning, I submitted my OU essay on Irish independence & heritage. Very interesting, particularly enjoyed poetry by WB Yeats. I was very confused when first reading about him until I noticed I had put Keats (thats another kettle of fish altogether). I do not envy the Irish though, seems a mighty shame that it suffers so much conflict, when it has such a fascinating history and beautiful locations. I would definitely love to visit some of heritage sites. The Hills of Tara look magical, would be a great place to get some fantasy writing inspiration.

Talking of fantasy writing, I am hoping to get a few books in before next essay deadline which is about the Bronzes of Benin, who I have never heard of. I am just over half- way through ‘The Ninth Rain’ by the fabulous Jen Williams, I am thoroughly enjoying it and hope to review when done. I am also listening to ‘Doctor Who – Engines of War’ by George Mann (The Time Wars gap). When my poor eyes can no longer take writing I am reading ‘The Walking Dead Omnibus’ which is really good. I know the show is dragging its heels but … a discussion i’ll save for my review. With my partner Zoe we just started reading ‘The Bear and the Nightingale’ by Katherine Arden, based on Russian Fairy Tales, the first chapter was very good. With the kids I am reading the BFG, after we went to see the movie, I forgot what an amazing book it was. Hopefully some mini reviews to come soon.