Christmas Disquietude – Edited

Christmas is a time for Happiness and Love
Love your Planet? 
Don’t spend your money on Plastic
A Hug is worth far more
and does not cost a Tree
Please save yourself from Debt
Prevent yourself an unhappy
New Year’s resolution 
Of Worry and Misery.

Try wrapping gifts in newspaper
Tell the kids Santa is now Eco-friendly 
As he will Lose his Home
The North Pole will melt away.
Border control will refuse him entry 
and his elves will be found

Suffocated

Seeking Somewhere Safe to Stay
Prized antlers Wrenched
Fur and Flesh sharply prepared
A Tender and Tasty delicacy
To be cooked Medium-Rare

Another Dear Extinction to those that Car
e

Parliament Pirogue about Summer in offshore locations
Where banks secure money rather than support their Nation

And a Santa-Free Christmas now a whole day of

Political Propaganda
for the family on TV
in a Democratic Dictatorship hunt,
Glass words from Posh-Private-schooled
(Please insert own noun)
that don’t know us from Adam

Or Eve

but continue to feed us with Egotistic Speeches
because they are more important than the stories
of Santa and Jesus.

The poor and the elderly 
Frozen in lives of isolation 
Dementia-like democracy, repetitive lies
Benefits always decline, whilst taxes continue to rise 
Take us back to the Poor Laws of

1834

But, I say, this is nothing to with being underprivileged 
Mental health, Illness or Disabilities 
The vote in the house is Unanimous,Those working-class mugwumps are damn
Lazy.

You don’t need to 
Damage the planet to show you Appreciate your 
family and your friends

Just continue to be there for them until the very end
Be compassionate and let love rule over violence
Don’t just sit there
Seek out those Strangers that Suffer-in-Silence

Alone 

Company and warm words and will go so such a long way 
To making someone smile on Christmas Day

Merry Christmas

Mindsubmersion

Today my phone collapsed

This is my storage space 

As my mind overflows 

With possibilities

It’s too much

To take,

Amongst

Me

There

Is nothing 

Except a knife

Don’t forget the pen

Red ink bleeds in my arm

Things are not forgotten

When you are scarred for life

I would just like to add that i did not harm myself in anyway, however, I totally imagined myself doing this to relieve some tension in my mind when it will just not stop.

CHRISTMAS DISQUIETUDE

Christmas is a time for happiness and love
Love your planet? 
Dont spend your money on 
Plastic
A hug is worth far more
And does not cost a tree
Please save yourself from debt and
Prevent yourself an unhappy
New years resolution 
Of worry and misery

Try wrapping gifts in newspaper
Tell the kids Santa has gone 
Eco-friendly 
As he will lose his home
The North Pole will melt away
Border control will refuse him entry 
Leaving nowhere to stay
The elves Suffocate Seeking Somewhere Safe to Stay
The reindeer Slaughtered for their prized antlers and fur, flesh of the
Extinct
A Tender and Tasty delicacy 

Parliament Porogue about 
Summer in offshore locations
Where banks safely secure their 
Duty-free and Santa-free
Christmas is now day of 
Political Propaganda on every channel on TV
A day of 
Queens speeches 
and 
Political speeches 
because these 
Posh-privately-schooled-rich (please insert your own noun) 
are much more 
Important than Jesus

The poor and the elderly are 
Frozen in lives of isolation 
Who are left confused about What their role is within a 
Democracy 
Taxes continue to rise 
Benefits continue to decline
Take us back to the Poor Laws of
1834
But, I say, this is nothing to with being underprivileged 
Mental health, Illness or Disability 
The vote in the house clearly States they are simply
Lazy 

You dont need to 
Damage the planet to show you Appreciate your 
Family and your friends 
Just continue to support them until the very end
Or 
To Seek out those that 
Suffer-in-Silence 
Alone in their home
Where Warm Words and Company will go so such a long way 
To making someone smile
On Christmas Day

Please share if you wishWritten by Kote3-11-19

CONFUZZLED

I had a traumatic childhood, that has haunted me all my life. I think about these things daily & have strived to be the opposite of my father (who is still not a nice person). Instead I feel as if my behaviour sometimes turns like him when I get angry (I do not take drugs, nor am I violent) but I have subjected my kids to me wanting to overdose on pills (I saw my dad attempt suicidal behaviour). I have said nasty things & did on Saturday evening, I’d had a few drinks (prob not great with medication!) I do feel that some things leading up were antagonising but so what it’s done. Anyway I called the Samaritans, (they my situation was too complex) & directed me to call ‘mind’ . They gave me number of various organisations. AngerUK who were no good as they are based in Manchester. ASSIDD which was just answer phone (I hate answer phones). My local Mental Health team, which kept me on the line for 20 mins but then it just said ‘Please try another time ‘ & hung up on me. I called AnxietyUK, who seemed helpful but then wanted £40 for a membership, this then made the lady sound like a salesperson. They said they could get me therapy, but could only use it for Anxiety, Depression & PTSD, Not ADHD or Bipolar or other conditions if I have another assessment. I called my the docs. I was diagnosed wit Aspergers 3 years ago but I don’t think I am autistic & my doctor agrees, but I have been referred to the Mental health team 4 times this year, all of them have been refused because I have ‘Autisim’.My doc was firm in saying this is not good enough when dictating a letter to them.
On the symptoms checker on Mind I fall under Complex PTSD, Bipolar, Hypomania, Seasonal Affects Disorder. I don’t know where to start or what to try & treat. I use all the methods suggested, I take pills, I take vitamin supplements, I go to the gym, I am doing swimming lessons, I walk dogs an average of 2 hours a day, I am creative – I study with the OU (creative writing) & present as fine to the outside world, I can be around some people for a short period of time. It’s at home I struggle.
My concern is I look at my father as an abuser, physically violent with women & children (which I must add I am not) he was sectioned a number of time that was all down to ‘drug induced psychosis’ (I do not do drugs at all) but there is definitely some hereditary thing going on. But how do you determine between someone who can get so angry and being an abuser or that someone has a mental healthproblem and therefore it genuinely being a part of their condition & how do I deal with that? I’m looking into a private assessment, but how they determine from some therapy over a few hours what your mental health problem is I have no idea but if they get it right and I get some correct medication will that help? As therapy is too expensive & apparently getting it through the NHS is rarer than rocking horse shit.
Does anyone have advice? Anyone having the same problems?

Quote

no edits, no rules, poetry freewrite

Sometimes I write whilst I am out walking to get things off my chest. No edits. no rules.

what is selfish? suicide or making

someone live in this shitty world? why can

I not just feel like I want to die? why

has there got to be a reason or a

why?

so my idea of bliss and happiness

is being released from the pressures

of life, that is so hard & tough, you give

all you can give but it isn’t enough.

It’s not a cry for help, or a competition

of failed attempts, it’s just escaping

the anger that is pent 

Inside

Of my fucked up mind

I didn’t ask my mother to be drunk

when I was born, I didn’t ask my father

to be an evil manipulative

man

I didn’t ask to be me but it’s just

who I am

I am labeled depressed with Asperger’s

syndrome, ADHD with possible

bipolar disorder 

people look at me like im the wrong fit,

like a triangle in the squashed  into square

While he looks at himself and wishes he

wasn’t there

like people would prefer that he wasn’t there 

how awful it would be to pretend they

didn’t care

stabbed himself in the back with his own

knife

such a shame for him to take his own life

he was such a good mate with kids & wife

not seen him in years, was such a good friend

never thought I’d see the day his Facebook

would end

I was gonna contact him soon, ask why

he was now so

quiet

not one of the lads my mates always said

buried or burned now, somewhere he is dead

well at least that’s what my facebook feed said

when he had that kid and said he wanted

to be a good dad, we left him stranded

with that drunk bitch, bruv do you not feel bad

yeah we all dads now but it dont matter

Stop worrying about it bruv

The guy was a loser anyways

Excuses Excuses

Are you okay? Yes, I am fine

I Excuse myself quietly to
Find somewhere to Hide

All I do is Lie
Making Excuses
To Excuse myself

For people who do not
Understand Mental Health

Another Excuse
Excuses get Exhausted

Nothing left to say
When all I needed

Was just One More Day

Another Lie
Because Everyday

Is Groundhog Day

No amount of suffering
Takes away the pain

Another Pill
Another Lie

Another Excuse
To try and feel High

I look deep 
Into that mirror 
That is staring at me
I cannot look anymore

The reflection is too 

Ugly

There is no Cure
When Cursed with 
Chronic Depression 

I have no Desire
Just add it to the the Label

A Pathological Liar

I apologise if the layout is poor, this from my mobile. 

I was writing earlier and I realised just how much I have to excuse myself for my actions, white lies, not something I wish to disclose.

You can’t disguise, no you can’t disguise
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies (Christine McVie, 1987)

Trapped inside myself – Poetry (Free Verse) No Rules

Just a few words are for you so easy to say
but they cripple me and destroy my day
All the wrong in the world you can accuse me
by saying it’s you in the wrong, that you abuse me

I try finding a path untarnished and unobstructed
but I’m faced with a labyrinth, every end is dead
every road is winding, me up, messing with my head
Trapped, there is nowhere to go, I give in, self-destructed

I collapse, every vein injected with anxiety
Swelling
no longer able to face society
Suffocating
behind my mask, the only place to hide
Exploding
My heart and my soul have committed suicide Continue reading