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no edits, no rules, poetry freewrite

Sometimes I write whilst I am out walking to get things off my chest. No edits. no rules.

what is selfish? suicide or making

someone live in this shitty world? why can

I not just feel like I want to die? why

has there got to be a reason or a

why?

so my idea of bliss and happiness

is being released from the pressures

of life, that is so hard & tough, you give

all you can give but it isn’t enough.

It’s not a cry for help, or a competition

of failed attempts, it’s just escaping

the anger that is pent 

Inside

Of my fucked up mind

I didn’t ask my mother to be drunk

when I was born, I didn’t ask my father

to be an evil manipulative

man

I didn’t ask to be me but it’s just

who I am

I am labeled depressed with Asperger’s

syndrome, ADHD with possible

bipolar disorder 

people look at me like im the wrong fit,

like a triangle in the squashed  into square

While he looks at himself and wishes he

wasn’t there

like people would prefer that he wasn’t there 

how awful it would be to pretend they

didn’t care

stabbed himself in the back with his own

knife

such a shame for him to take his own life

he was such a good mate with kids & wife

not seen him in years, was such a good friend

never thought I’d see the day his Facebook

would end

I was gonna contact him soon, ask why

he was now so

quiet

not one of the lads my mates always said

buried or burned now, somewhere he is dead

well at least that’s what my facebook feed said

when he had that kid and said he wanted

to be a good dad, we left him stranded

with that drunk bitch, bruv do you not feel bad

yeah we all dads now but it dont matter

Stop worrying about it bruv

The guy was a loser anyways

Autistic Isolation

How I keep meaning to come back to my blog. I keep forgetting it’s my friend I can share anything with. I do not like speaking to the Samaritans or Counsellors, I do not agree with paying for somebody with no experience of being depressed, suicidal, or autistic to sit there and nod at my problems. To sit there and let that person talk with minimal intervention does not help.
Personal feelings
Dark thoughts
Shared

Feeling
Frustration
Emotions brimming
all waiting on that person to say something…

Other than

‘I’m on holiday for the next few weeks. However, if you would to book another session. I would be more than happy for you to pay me to perform legilimency on you and make you feel used and disguting like a drunken one night stand!’

I really am struggling so much at the moment, I am on Zapain (sometimes Tramadol) for back pain, 200mg  Pregabalin and 225mg Venlafaxine for depression. I’ve tried many combinations, this has been the most successful, changing is awful, as is forgetting which I do quite often. I get confused about taken morning or night etc. I try and keep myself as busy as possible so I am active. I am a full-time father to two children, I have four house rabbits and other pets. I have a small pet sitting business with my partner, I work Amazon Flex shifts to try and bring some more money to the household as we do not have a lot. I help care for my partners mum, although I find it difficult to empathise and get on with her because of past issues. In fact I do not feel very connected to the family anymore after previous issues. I struggle to let things go that I hae found distressing or offensive. Me and my partner have been brought up in very different ways and our strong personalities seriously clash. I do not see most of my real family, because of past events, any others are not really interested in my life and see me as a burden, I don’t even receive Christmas cards from them and have given up sending them. I have a lovely family who I was fostered by during some of my youth, who I keep in touch with and love very much. I have no friends due to constantly being dragged from pillar to post when younger and because of a controlling alcoholic ex partner.

Counsellor form
How often do you think about suicide:

Once a month
Once a week
Once a day
All the time (I cant wait to go) √

The problem is we cannot discuss thoughts of suicide anymore because of the stigma attached if the person is unsuccessful –

‘Its just a cry for help’ or ‘Woe is me’

If it is carried out –
‘What a Coward’

‘People=Shit’ (Slipknot, 2001)

Actually on the basis that barely anyone will read this post, I will speak openly about it. I am not crying for help. In fact I am incredibly meticulous in my process. The below may apply if you are Depressed, Suffer Chronic Pain and/or have Aspergers.

Life really sucks.
I have worked so hard all my life, achieving very little. I had aspirations but for many reasons including myself, I failed to reach those aspirations. I have very little left to aspire to. I struggle to socialise and often feel shut down.

Life is too hard.
Everyday is so exhausting. Housework, Housework, Housework, Work, Work, Work. Pick up here, drop off there. Ungrateful moaning people smashing my confidence. For what? A messy house the next day and not even enough money in the bank to go out for a cheap meal.

Life is no fun.
I do not remember the last time I enjoyed something. in fact I do not know if it is even possible. I have not seen any of the world and do not have the money too.

Life is predictable. 
We get older, less able, more miserable until we can only sit in front of a box projecting propaganda.

Life never forgets.
Everybody should experience a happy childhood, with parents to love who you can turn to at any time. However, if you do not and you are subjected to drugs, alcohol, violence, sex and abuse that you are still forced to relive in your dreams twenty years later and probably the rest of your life. Not to mention the emotional scars that affect every decision you make.

Thinking about suicide helps me think of peace, letting everything go, not existing anymore. There is no afterlife to aspire to. I have no God and cannot even discuss Religion without feeling cheated and lied to. I have witnessed the sins of evil people being forgiven, simply for attending church.

So all said and done, why have you not done it yet?

I’ve tried a few times and been close, that was before responsibilities arrived. But now, how does one cope with feeling worthless, feeling isolated and feeling suicidal when you have children you love so dearly. To have them live with that is cruel. So you continue to live, inflict pain when necessary, take extra pills if you cannot cope.

Is this right?
Is that fair?
What alternatives are there?

I have written so much over the years about my life, obsessively trying to make sense of moments that define who I am, it is incredibly overwhelming. I am considering sharing some of my memoirs on here as some sort of release. For me it is then filed and the original can be disposed of.